Sonny

A man talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary. The friend asked, "What did you do for your 25th?" He said, "I took my wife to Hawaii." The friend then asked, "What are you thinking about for your 50th?" He said, "Well I was thinking of bringing her back."

In Honor of Stupid People . . . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (...I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?) On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Ralph, I check in just about every day but there haven't been any posts. Sonny

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition. 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 14. Glibido: All talk and no action. 15 Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

How to treat a woman: > > Wine her. > > Dine her. > > Call her. > > Hold her. > > Surprise her. > > Compliment her. > >! ; Smile at her. > > Listen to her. > > Laugh with her. > > Cry with her. > > Romance her. > > Encourage her. > > Believe in her. > > Pray with her. > > Pray for her. > > Cuddle with her. > > Shop with her. > > Give her jewelry. > > Buy her flowers. > > Hold her hand. > > Write love letters to her. > > Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her. How To Treat a Man: > > Show up naked. > > Bring chicken wings. >> Don't block the TV

THESE ARE ACTUAL QUOTES TAKEN FROM AUSTRALIAN FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS. 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." 4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." 11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together" 12. "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."! 14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." 15. "He's been working with glue too much." 16. "He would argue with a signpost." 17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." 18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection." 22. "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it" 23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming." 24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 28. "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm." 29. "One neuron short of a synapse." 30 "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes'." 32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that read: SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good .... can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. He asked, "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?" Farmer John replied, "Oh, I sure did, and not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign ...... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers ..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: NUDIST COLONY GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar... So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear...."

Mrs. Parks, the 6th grade science teacher, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing. 11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 13. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 19. Procrastinate Now! 20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance 23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 24.. Be thankful we are not getting all the government we are paying for. 25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. 26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson. 30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Casey, I named her January 1968 and it was still there in Oct. 1968 when I left. I know she was in the 21st when I got to Naha in May 1967 until she was shot down in Nov 1969 (crew flying her when she was shot down was from the 41st but at that time ALL Blind Bat birds had been assigned to the 21st TAS). Thanks and that goes for all you do on this site. I really enjoy it as I know the others do.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too." The old woman says, Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,"I would like to buy you one too." The old woman says, "Thank you." "Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer. IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON ... they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...they are called managers Have a Great Day at WORK

Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. Oscar Wilde I don't know why my parents purchased an instructional booklet and cassette on Apline yodelling... maybe it was to go with the fondue set they never use. Old Man Luedecke I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. George Carlin Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. Steven Wright A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. Zsa Zsa Gabor I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught. Winston Churchill My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. Elayne Boosler Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. Anonymous Personally I know nothing about sex because I've always been married. Zsa Zsa Gabor Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties. Stephen Fry I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky -- but there wasn't any gum under any of them. Emo Philips Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? Charles M. Schulz I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. Oscar Wilde

Love it. Thanks for the laugh. It has already made my day!!!

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist asks, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady explains that she needs it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he replies, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!" With that the lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and replies, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is. Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?" "Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper.

While excavating foundations for a building in Jerusalem, the workers come across a tomb and all work is stopped while the site is investigated. Six months later, the archaeologists tell the minister for works that construction can recommence, as they have solved the mystery of the tomb. The minister asks for a report and is told: the tomb is that of a priest of Jerusalem from the time of the rule of Saul, and he died of a broken heart. How can you tell that for certain, the minister asks? Well, carbon dating establishes the date and his robes are those of a temple priest - we know that from descriptions we have from ancient writings. What about the broken heart? Well, inside his robe was a parchment script that turned out to be a Hebrew betting slip, on which was written: ''5000 shekels. Goliath to win.''

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband.

Casey, I would be interested in getting a print of a C-130A, of course I would like 56-0533 as the tail number in the Nam paint colors, TAC, PACAF, 374 TAW, 21st TAS and Blind Bat patches. I also like your Crew Chief stickers but just need C-130A. Is that possible? Would be willing to pay for the custom work. Thanks, Sonny

An old lady tells her doctor: ''Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't bother me too much. I've broken wind at least 20 times since I've been in your office, but you didn't know, because they're silent and don't smell.'' Doctor: ''I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.'' The next week the lady goes back. ''Doctor,'' she says, ''I don't know what you gave me, but goodness gracious me! Now, although I still break wind silently, they stink terribly.'' Doctor: ''Okay, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.

Casey, Wasn't sure where to put this request. If possible, I would like to see 56-0533 listed as "Sonny's Honey". That was the name I had on her until Oct. 1968. Sure they took it off after I left. Thanks, Sonny

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."