Sonny's Funnies
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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota , Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his …
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ALL PUNS INTENDED 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2 .A cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.' 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.' 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?' 7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'…
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It had taken the entire morning for Zeke to tow the tourist’s disabled car from Turkey Track Spring down to the settlement at Whittle Porch Clearing. When he finally returned home, with his weary old mule hitched to the ramshackle cart, his wife came out on the porch and said: “How much did you charge that city feller for towin’ him?’ “Fifty cents,†Zeke answered. “Guess t’wasn’t too much. Leastwise, he didn’t kick up a fuss.†“Fifty cents!†echoed his indignant wife. “I swear, Paw, sometimes I wish you’d pull the cart and let the mule handle the executive end of things!†* * * * snowyday
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Called upon to officiate at the funeral of a stranger, the minister was well along with the service before he realized to his horror that although he knew the name of the departed – which might have been masculine or feminine – he didn’t know whether he was talking about a deceased man or woman. Finally the point came when he simply had to know. While the choir sang a hymn, the minister beckoned to a mourner, pointed to the casket and hoarsely whispered: “Brother or Sister?” And the mourner whispered back: “Cousin.” * * * * snowyday
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it? Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs . I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet …
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Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch AND you'll have to go to the bathroom. Law of Gravity: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always…
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1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, t…
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Two brothers, one a famous baseball pitcher, the other a minister, met after a long separation. Some time was spent in exchanges of reminiscences. Finally the minister said, “How is it, Bill – I spent four years in college and three in seminary, and you’ve never done anything but play ball. Now you’re getting a salary of $30,000, and I’m getting $3,000. I can’t understand it.†Bill thought a minute, then said: “I’ll tell you how it is, Jim; it’s all in the delivery. May 27, 1950 newspaper * * * * snowyday
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A certain well-known gambler failed to pay a large note when it became due and, in consequence, the loan shark who had it waxed highly indignant and berated the debtor in bitter and extremely uncomplimentary terms. Whereupon the gambler, greatly insulted, poked a pistol in the lender’s ribs and barked: “Eat that note, you lily-livered dollar grabber.†With some difficulty, the money lender chewed up the document and swallowed it. A few weeks later, to his utter amazement and delight, the gambler fell into a highly profitable run of luck, and paid off the obligation in full. A little later the gambler came to the money lender and applied for a…
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Entering a lawyer’s office, in a small “Tennessee†town, a buxom wife from the hills said: “I ain’t a complaining woman, Mr. Smith, but my husband ain’t doin’ rite. When one of our mules died, he hitched me up with the other one to a plow.†“Why, that’s inhuman!†declared the lawyer. “Do you want a divorce?†“Nope,†she answered. “But I’ve about worked that skinny old mule to death, and he ought to have a rest.†* * * * snowyday
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Laurence F. Whittemore, the pulp company executive and famous New England story teller, recently told the Advertising Club of Boston about the New Hampshire farmer who had a quarrel with his wife at breakfast. Disgruntled and angry, he spent the day up in the back lot cutting wood. As night came, he was reluctant to go home, knowing that his wife was ready to give him another scolding. But he finally started back to the house. As he came over the brow of the hill and looked down he saw his wife, armed with a broom, trying to chase a skunk away from the woodshed. With a smile, he sat down on the hillside and lighted his pipe. “I’m going to enj…
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A routine check-up disclosed nothing serious so the puzzled medico began to ask questions: “Do you smoke?†“Oh, no,†said the patient. “Do you drink?†was the next question. “Certainly not,†the patient answered. “Rum holds no temptation for me. I believe firmly in prohibition.†“Well, then,†tried the doctor, “have you ever kissed a girl?†“No,†was the reply. “And I never shall until I am legally married.†The doctor thought a minute and then asked: “Do you happen to have any pains in the front of your head?†“Yes, doctor, and in the back of my head, too,†came the response. “That explains it,†said the …
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Asked where her husband might be found, his wife replied that he had gone fishing. “Just walk down to the bridge,†she suggested caustically, “and look around until you find a rod with a worm on each end. * * * snowyday
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Elmer, 13 years old, was puzzled over the girl problem and talked it over with his pal, Pete. “I’ve walked to school with her three times,†he told Pete, “and carried her books. I bought her ice cream sodas twice. Now, do you think I ought to kiss her?†“Naw, you don’t need to,†Pete decided after thinking a moment. “You’ve done enough for that gal already.†* * * * snowyday
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It was the ship’s concert, and the song was “Asleep In The Deep.†The singer had got well and truly deep when an awed voice from the back of the hall was heard: “Throw out a depth charge, guv’nor, and bring him to the surface.†* * * * snowyday
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One summer I boarded with a farm family in the mountains of North Carolina. The women folks in the house traded at a small country store run by a native of those parts, and always bought a certain kind of thread for crocheting. When I went to purchase some one day, he remarked that he was all out of it. “Aren’t you going to carry it anymore?†I asked him. “Nope,†he said, “people worried me too much coming after it.†* * * * snowyday
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The Willoughbys, who lived in Chicago, had a new housekeeper. She wasn’t very bright, but she was a splendid cook. So the Willoughbys didn’t care whether she was smart or not. One night at dinnertime, the telephone rang, and the new housekeeper hurried to answer. She listened and laughed and said: “It certainly is!†and hung up. A few seconds later the phone rang again. The new housekeeper answered it, listened, laughed and said: “It certainly is!†and hung up again. “For goodness sake,†bellowed Mr. Willoughby. “What’s going on?†“Silliest darned thing,†answered the new housekeeper. “Some joker keeps calling up just…
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A man telephoned a hardware store to order a scythe. “Size?†asked the assistant who took the call. “Not size,†the man replied “Scythe.†“Yes, yes, I can hear you,†said the salesman. “What size?†“No, no, no,†the customer yelled. “Not size, but scythe—S C Y T H E. You know what a scythe is, don’t you? A grass cutter.†The next day a delivery man appeared at the customer’s house with a glass cutter. * * * * snowyday
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Judge: “Amos, I cannot conceive of a meaner, more cowardly act than yours running away from your wife.†Amos: If you knowed dat lady as I does, you wouldn’t call me no deserter, Ah am a refugee—that’s what I am.†* * * * snowyday
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Many years ago, an alleged horse thief was brought up for trial in a rough and tumble Western frontier town. Before the proceedings began, the judge gave the usual instructions to the jury. “Ladies and gentleman, this here is a democratic country, and this feller is supposed to get a fair trial. You’ll have to listen to the testimony and decide the verdict, guilty of not guilty. But remember one thing. There’s somebody bigger’n you or me. There’s a Divine Justice, above and beyond this court-room, an Eternal Providence lookin’ down here, and He ain’t gonna be took in by no lyin’ hoss thief.†* * * * Snowyday
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One dark night, not long ago a certain eminent Chicago attorney found himself standing at the wrong end of an incredibly large pistol. He was shocked to recognize the thug who was holding him up. “Look here†he protested, “Don’t you know me? I’m your benefactor. Don’t you recall I once saved you from the electric chair by proving you were crazy?†The thug laughed heartily and playfully prodded his victim in the ribs with his revolver. “Sure, I remember you!†he guffawed. “And ain’t holding up your benefactor a crazy thing to do?†* * * * snowyday
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A young man was serving for the first time as usher at a fashionable church and his self-consciousness amounted to a bad case of stage fright. As a result of his nervousness some mistakes were made. Among others, a wealthy old lady marched down the aisle unaccompanied and seated herself inadvertently one row in front of her usual position. The perspiring young usher tiptoed up to her and whispered hoarsely: “Rardon me, padam, you are occupewing the wrong pie. May I sew you to another sheet?†* * * * snowyday
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When Alonzo Stagg was one of the country’s outstanding football coaches, he kept substitutes on the bench constantly alert by suddenly popping questions at them while a game was in progress. One afternoon he turned to a fourth-string sub who had played the role of human tackling dummy in practice all season, but had failed to get into a single game, and demanded: “You Cartmell – What would you do if we had possession of the ball, one minute to play, the score nothing-to-nothing, and we had only 4 yards to go for a touchdown?†“Gee, coach,†stammered the substitute. “I’d slide down to the end of the bench, so I could see better.†* * * * snow…
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A commercial traveler decided that he would spend a week-end at home. He sent a telegram to his wife and took the next train. On his arrival home he found his wife in the embrace of another man. Furious, he left the house, took a room at the local hotel, and announced that he would apply for a divorce. The next day his father-in-law called to try to smooth things over. “I’m quite sure my daughter has and explanation for her behavior,†he said. “Look here, will you wait until tomorrow before you do anything about the divorce?†Reluctantly the husband agreed. On the morrow his father-in-law was back again, beaming. “I knew Dorothy would have an…
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from 1949 “Hey, you! Pull over,†shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her $25. She went home in great anxiety, lest her husband, who always examined her check book, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck, and she marked the check stub: “One pull-over, $25.†* * * * snowyday
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