Sonny's Funnies
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Advice from Men to Women: Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it. Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials. Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment. Please don't drive when you're not driving. Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, …
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A motorist whose car broke down one night on a lonely road in Northern Ireland found humble but hospitable accommodation in a small croft nearby. Next morning his breakfast consisted mainly of a large bowl of porridge. During the meal he was astonished to find himself rather popular with a small pig, which nuzzled against his legs in a most affectionate and persistent manner. At last he remarked to his host: “Your pig seems to have taken a great liking to me. I didn’t know a pig could be so affectionate.†“Oh, it’s not you it likes,†was the Irishman’s reply. “It’s just that you’re using his bowl.†* * * * snowyday
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An African chieftain flew to London for a visit and was met at the airport by newsmen. “Good morning, Chief,†one said. “Did you have a comfortable flight?†The Chief made a series of raucous noises – honk, oink, screech, whistle, z-z-z then added in perfect English, “Yes, very pleasant indeed.†“And how long do you plan to stay?†asked the reporter.†Again the noises – honk, oink, screech, whistle, z-z-z then added “about three weeks, I think.†“Tell me, Chief,†inquired the baffled reporter, “where did you learn to speak such flawless English?†Again the noises - honk, oink, screech, whistle, z-z-z then sai…
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After Shave
by Sonny- 0 replies
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. A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
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One evening, after the honeymoon, Dick was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment…
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Age and Sex
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This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him, "when you first get married, you want it all the time...and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year like maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Wel…
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Age and Sex
by Sonny- 0 replies
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This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him, "when you first get married, you want it all the time...and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year like maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's ora…
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Gordon Turner, editor of the Nantucket Inquirer & Mirror, tells about an island farmer who arranged to have an aged aunt cared for in a rest home. On every visit, he brought her delicacies from the farm, especially including a thermos bottle of fresh milk laced (on the advice of her physician) with a little brandy. Recently the old lady interrupted her contented sipping of the thermos bottle’s contents to command: “Larry, don’t you ever dare to sell that cow.†* * * *
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Aging with a Smile: Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it. I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. …
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Aging with a Smile: Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it. I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. I think I've reached my sexpiration date. People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex li…
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At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee." "I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled,"volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent. "I guess tha…
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Air Force Christmas Party TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS I'm happy to inform you that the Squadron Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our Commander shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF Executive Officer December 2nd TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish mem…
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The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says, "I pilot!" The general gets all…
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A woman called the airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” They further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
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Lost on a back road in Alabama, a man asked the way to Montgomery from an old farmer who was sitting on a fence idly chewing tobacco. He looked down the road, scratched his head and gave him a complicated set of directions. About thirty minutes later after following the farmer’s directions carefully, the young man could hardly believe his eyes when he came upon the farmer again at the very same spot. Thoroughly exasperated he pulled up and shouted: “Look here, you act as though you expected to see me again. What’s the big idea?†“Waal, young feller,†he repeated, “I didn’t aim to waste my time explainin’ how you get to Mon…
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Alabama Preacher An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Th…
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Alaska's Crazy Laws In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose. Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com! While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited. It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist.-Sec. 44.62.270. State policy. Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
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Three men die and are waiting at the Pearly Gates when St. Peter tells them that there will be a slight delay but not to worry that he will have Albert Einstein visit with them during their wait. Albert arrives and introduces himself to the first man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the first man answers, "241". "That is wonderful!", says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!". Albert introduces himself to the second man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the second man answers, "144". "That is great!", responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current …
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According to a researcher Alexander the Great came up with a crude timepiece for his many soldiers, consisting of a chemically treated cloth worn on the left forearm. Under the heat of the sun, the cloth changed colors every hour, providing the Macedonian warriors with the world’s first wrist watch. The device was known as Alexander’s Rag TimeBand.†The Cumberland News of Cumberland, Maryland, November 6, 1963 * * *
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All Booked Up A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the…
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A man was boasting to a neighbor who had lived in the same block of flats that he had kissed every woman in the building but one. The neighbor, boiling with jealousy, went straight home and reported the story to his wife, saying, with a suspicious glance: I wonder, Maggie, who the woman is that he hasn’t kissed? Oh, was the reply, I suppose it will be that stuck-up Mrs. MacIntosh on the third floor. * * * * snowyday
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ALL PUNS INTENDED 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2 .A cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.' 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.' 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?' 7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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All you ever needed to know about work: The road to success is always under construction. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and hours are lost. If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will. As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking abou…
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All you ever needed to know about work: The road to success is always under construction. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and hours are lost. If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will. As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Anything is possible if you don't know what you're…
Last reply by Sonny,