Sonny's Funnies
2,949 topics in this forum
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that …
Last reply by donwon, -
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- 1 reply
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Interesting Questions: Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getti…
Last reply by donwon, -
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Gotta love those grand-kids .. I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, What day is tomorrow?" Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!" .. She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?" .. I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc. She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of BS." You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.
Last reply by donwon, -
The Butcher
by Sonny- 1 reply
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There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd da…
Last reply by donwon, -
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A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" he asked. "No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town." "Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?" "No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he went with pa and ma." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where all the tools are, if…
Last reply by olcatmech2, -
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The room was full of pregnant women with their Husbands The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." T…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal." The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon. "Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog." "Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut." "In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."
Last reply by olcatmech2, -
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While strolling around the Marina this morning about 7 am., I noticed a character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown. Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast guard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Department. It is now 11 am., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond. I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
Last reply by olcatmech2, -
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake…
Last reply by olcatmech2, -
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A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, 'I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!' The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!" The not very intelligent young lady replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!" Again the not very intelligent young lady says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The …
Last reply by HercMX, -
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An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.' To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.' And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.' He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. 'I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.' So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?' The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he …
Last reply by tinwhistle, -
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How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers. 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames. 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive 2 …
Last reply by olcatmech2, -
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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. …
Last reply by olcatmech2, -
Swearing A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" the Priest asks. "Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so terrible." "Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest. "Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards." "I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand what you were fe…
Last reply by Herky 504, -
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Actual Bumper Stickers "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon" "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep." "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...." "Montana - At least our cows are sane!" "The gene pool c…
Last reply by ac130sensor1, -
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A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
Last reply by Imran520, -
An oxymoron is a combination of two words that are completely opposite in meaning. 25. Silent scream 24. New classic 23. Sweet sorrow 22. Child Proof 21. "Now, then ..." 20. Synthetic natural gas 19. Passive aggression 18. Taped live 17. Clearly misunderstood 16. Peace force 15. Extinct life 14. Sanitary landfill 13. Military intelligence 12. Plastic glasses 11. Terribly pleased 10. Computer security 9. Alone together …
Last reply by JimH, -
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Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
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Going forward, Legion, VFW will now post 8 1/2 x 11’s of the President, VA Secretary and a slightly larger poster of the first ‘lady’.
Last reply by Robert Podboy, -
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These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England: Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY TH…
Last reply by JimH, -
Last reply by C130Hcc, -
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Actual Bumper Stickers: "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon" "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep." "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...." "Montana - At least our cows are sane!" "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "I didn't …
Last reply by larry myers, -
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Mississippi Student Absentees: You cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings have been left intact.) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John Henry being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33 Please excuse Gloria Jean from Jim today. She is administrating Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth…
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
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A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married? Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl. The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man," he said
Last reply by Graywolf88, -
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CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza? GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza. CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? You know me? GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: OK! That’s what I want … GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole…
Last reply by casey,