Sonny's Funnies
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The woman lion tamer had her beasts under perfect control. At her summons the fiercest lion came meekly to her and took a piece of sugar out of her mouth. The circus crowd marveled—all except one man. Man (yelling from the audience) Any one can do that.†Ringmaster: (scornfully) Would you dare do it?†Man: Certainly. “I can do it just as well as the lion can.†* * * * snowyday
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1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-t…
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Have ya ever noticed: If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one. If a liberal doesn't like guns, then no one should have one. If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat. If a liberal is, he wants to ban all meat products for everyone. If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy. A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good. If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly enjoys his life. If a liberal is homosexual, he loudly demands legislated respect. If a black man or Hispanic is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful. Their liberal counte…
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It was during the Great Depression and the family didn’t have money to buy lumber for the new facility. The head of the household saw a want ad which said somebody had ten old doors and they would be given to anyone who would haul the doors away. Outhouse-needing man rushed over in his wagon and got them. He used the large doors for the sides of his privy. The master john he built was three doors wide in the front and back and two doors wide on the sides. Since the finished job was rustic the builder didn’t bother to remove the door knobs and locks from the doors. They say there is no describing the frustration, nervousness, and sheer panic of anyone who m…
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A woman called the airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,as long as you provide your own kennel.” The Customer Service Rep further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
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Two Indians, very close friends, were forced to separate for a few days while one went to the city on business. On his return, he rushed to his friends, teepee, rapped on the flap and asked the squaw to see his friend, Shortcake. She informed him he was dead. Stunned, he walked off, then returned to see if there was anything he could do “Isn’t there anything I can help you with?†he asked the squaw “No,†was the solemn reply. “Well, can I help you bury him?’ “No,†was the answer, and then she added, “Squaw bury Shortcake.†1957 * * * *
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A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rew…
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Blonde Joke
by Sonny- 1 reply
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While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A Blonde Girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the Blonde Girl sympathetically, "That must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
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One summer I boarded with a farm family in the mountains of North Carolina. The women folks in the house traded at a small country store run by a native of those parts, and always bought a certain kind of thread for crocheting. When I went to purchase some one day, he remarked that he was all out of it. “Aren’t you going to carry it anymore?†I asked him. “Nope,†he said, “people worried me too much coming after it.†* * * * snowyday
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Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his…
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From a 1946 newspaper: The old sailor had retired from the sea. Each morning a youngster knocked at his door, went in, and came out again. After this had gone on for some weeks the curiosity of the neighbors was aroused. “Tell me,†said one neighbor to the youngster, “why do you visit that old sailor every morning?†“Well, sir, he gives me a nickel if I say to him. “The captain wants you immediately!†“And what does he say to that?†“He says, “Tell the captain to go to the devil!†* * * Snowyday
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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: Need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assu…
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Somebody once asked an American soldier what, in his opinion, gave the American Army its special punch. Optimism, he answered. You see it’s like this. The captain asks for 100 volunteers. So we volunteer. Then he says: It’s my duty to warn you that 99 of you will probably be killed. Well, this throws us for a minute. Then every one of those 100 soldiers heaves a sigh, looks around, and says to himself: Shucks, I’m gonna miss the boys. snowyday Most of the jokes I am listing are from 1943 - 1949 Newspapers.
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In-Flight Humor Real examples of humor on commercial flights. While showing the use of the oxygen mask: "If you are seated next to a child or someone acting like one, please assist them in putting on the breathing apparatus. A Southwest flight attendant said this as the door was opened: "OK, now I'm going to tell you exactly what my Mama told me on my 18th birthday. GET OUTTA HERE." "Hello Everyone, we have a first time flyer on board today - and it is also their 50th birthday!" After everybody cheers, the flight attendant continues, "Will everyone please wish the captain a Happy Birthday!?" The pilot dropped out of the fog at Spokane Washington and discove…
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A reformer was conducting her campaign outside a saloon. As one man came out of the door exuding alcohol fumes, she put a hand on his arm and said: “Reflect; if you arrive at the gates of Heaven with your breath reeking of liquor, do you think St. Peter will let you in?†“My good woman,†said the man, “when I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind.†* * *
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Cowboy Hat
by Sonny- 2 replies
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An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope." Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom; undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." …
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2 Brothers
by Sonny- 0 replies
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There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said.…
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Things I learned living in the South A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, Plus a couple no one's ever seen before. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha. Onced and Twiced are words. It is not a shopping cart... It is a buggy! Jawl-P? Means, did you all go to the bathroom? People actually grow, eat and like okra. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's su…
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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving …
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1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole…
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra! . Vitamin E 3% . Aspirin 2% . Ibuprofen 2% . Vitamin C 1% . Spray Starch 5% . Fix-A-Flat 87% > > >
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Subject: COCKPIT DUTIES A few years ago on a long Air NZ flight; I asked if I could visit the cockpit.. When I got up there, I found four crewmen. I asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were. I turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems; To keep the flight operating smoothly. I turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. So I then turned to the young first officer and asked …
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Senior Sex
by Sonny- 3 replies
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no tro…
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A little girl and her mother were out and about. Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up." The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it no…
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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota , Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his …
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