Sonny's Funnies
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Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a doubledecker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana . The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What in the world is going on up here? We…
Last reply by gizzard, -
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The football coach accompanied the fullback to the dean’s office to try to help him pass a test. The Dean gave him test after test, to no avail, and finally in desperation asked “How much is 6 and 6?†“Thirteen,†said the fullback. “Aw let him pass, Dean,†pleaded the coach. “He only missed it by two. * * * *
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The farmer was extremely near-sighted and had to get his head down close to his work to see what he was doing, as he milked the cow. The city visitor watched in astonishment and finally spoke up. “So that’s it,†he explained. I’ve often wondered what the word ‘pasteurized’ meant—never knew before that you had to get right down there where you could see every drop going past your eyes!†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America... do t…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A Government official suggested the destruction of a big pile of old, unimportant and ragged records to make room for currant filing. The written proposal was submitted, and referred from one office and one official to another, in the usual routine, until quite a new file had been built up on it. Finally a dozen or more officials had approved destroying the old papers and at last the order came through to dispose of them as salvage. But the final authority had added this note: “Provided that copies are made of all papers destroyed.†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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A man shows up for his doctor's appointment with a piece of celery in each ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." Whereupon the doctor replied, " Perhaps you're not eating right."
Last reply by Sonny, -
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So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bi…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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CATHOLIC HORSES One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A woman who had been driving only a little while made a slight mistake one afternoon and drove the family car off the road, through a fence, and into four feet of water. Result: Nothing more than a dunking for herself, but the car was water-logged. The problem, how to tell her hot-tempered husband with as little fireworks resulting as possible. After a lot of thinking she decided on the light, casual touch. “Dear,†she said that night, after he was well fed and comfortable, “remember last week when we had that fight, and you snapped at me and said ‘Go jump in the lake’ remember? Well, I did it today.†“What!†“Yes…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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A plane was flying low over some hills near Athens. From one of its windows a girl peered intensely, then called to the steward. “What’s that stuff on those hills?†she asked. “That’s snow,†came the reply. “Well,†said the girl, “that’s what I thought, but the man in front told me it was Greece.†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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The Sunday School teacher asked Bobby why he was late. “I was gonna go fishing this morning,†said Bobby, “but Daddy wouldn’t let me.†“You’re a very fortunate boy to have a father like that, “said the teacher. “And did your father make it clear to you why you shouldn’t go fishing on Sunday?†“Oh, sure,†replied Bobby. “He said there wasn’t enough bait for both of us.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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The Army psychiatrist wanted to be sure that the newly enlisted rookie was perfectly normal. Suspiciously he said: “What do you do for social life?†“Oh,†the man blushed, “just sit around mostly.†“Hmmmm—never go out with girls?†“Nope.†“Don’t you ever want to?†The man was uneasy. “Well, yes, sort of.†“Then, why don’t you?†“My wife don’t let me sir.†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Aliens trying to mind-control a cow. LMAO. Of course, I had a few students that had this exact same look.
Last reply by SEFEGeorge, -
A distinguished clergyman and one of his parishioners were playing golf. It was a very close match, and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball, and swung his driver with great force. The ball, instead of sailing down the fairway, merely rolled off the tee and settled slowly some 12 feet away. The clergyman frowned, glared, and bit his lip, but said nothing. His opponent regarded him for a moment, and then remarked: “Doctor, that is the most profane silence I have ever witnessed.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
A wife asks her husband: ''Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have eggs, get six.'' A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him: ''Why did you buy six cartons of milk?'' He replies: ''They had eggs.''
Last reply by C130Hcc, -
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A convict was breaking up rocks in a prison yard when a minister stopped by on an inspection trip. The minister remarked that the prisoner still had a lot of work to get through with. “Yep,†agreed the convict. “Them stones are just like the Ten Commandments. You can go on breaking ‘em but you can’t never get rid of ‘em.†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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The “greenhorn†switchman was working the yards one night in a small Missouri town. Part of the night’s work included pushing cars down a spur track to the loading docks of a manufacturing plant. A switch at the lower end of the spur led to an unused section of track which ended in the backwaters of the Mississippi River. Unknowingly having thrown the switch to the unused spur, the young switchman, when asked how many more cars the spur would hold, replied confidently. “If they all go where the first five went, mister, you can push cars down here all night and never fill up the track!†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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[h=2]Modern politics[/h] Politics explained SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away... TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have…
Last reply by Dan Wilson, -
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Farmer Jones took his pig to town and sold it. With the money he bought a suit, a pair of shoes, and a hat. Then tucked the bundle under the seat of his wagon and said, “Giddap, Dobbin let’s get home and surprise Miranda.†On his way home he stopped at the river, took off his old clothes, threw then in the water and watched them sink. Then he looked under the seat for his new outfit. It was gone. Back on the seat he climbed and said, “Giddap, Dobbin, we’ll surprise her anyway.†* * * *
Last reply by jrkaegi, -
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A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of Tennessee and was on first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door. "Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in," said the kid. "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here," said the kid. "But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here," s…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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After having attended a conference in a small town, a famous psychiatrist chatted with the mayor. “Tell me Professor,†the mayor said. “How can one tell a person is insane?†“It’s very simple,†the Professor said. “One begins by asking any question that’s within the scopes of any normal person. For instance: “Captain Cook made three trips around the world, and met death on one of them. On which one of the voyages did Cook die?†“Couldn’t you ask me another question? I’m not very well conversed on explorations.†* * *
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An African chieftain flew to London for a visit and was met at the airport by newsmen. “Good morning, Chief,†one said. “Did you have a comfortable flight?†The Chief made a series of raucous noises – honk, oink, screech, whistle, z-z-z then added in perfect English, “Yes, very pleasant indeed.†“And how long do you plan to stay?†asked the reporter.†Again the noises – honk, oink, screech, whistle, z-z-z then added “about three weeks, I think.†“Tell me, Chief,†inquired the baffled reporter, “where did you learn to speak such flawless English?†Again the noises - honk, oink, screech, whistle, z-z-z then sai…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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An Indian once appeared before the Senate Committee on Indian Affairs to get aid for his drought-stricken tribe. The chairman objected on the grounds that the Indians were not sufficiently industrious, whereupon the Indian interrupted. “Senator, do you mean to say that I don’t have enough sense to manage my own business?†“No,†replied the Senator. “I was only thinking of the average member of your tribe.†“I am an average member of my tribe,†said the Indian. “No,†said the Senator. “Your tribe would not send an average man to represent them before the Congress of the United States. They would send the smartest man they had.…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Undersecretary of Labor tells this story about a Kentuckian who was walking along the road carrying a jug of moonshine he had acquired from the local moonshiner. Unfortunately, he met the sheriff, who immediately evidenced a keen interest in the jug. The mountain man insisted if was filled with water from a spring. But the sheriff insisted on sampling it. He took one swig and choked. “You call that water?†he said. “Just taste it.†The Kentuckian took a long pull at the jug. “Well, whaddya know, sheriff,†he said. “The good Lord’s gone and done it again.†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
Ware had got a job at last. After months of unemployment he was hired as an assistant to an antique dealer. The very first morning the boss came in and saw him standing idle in the shop. “Go up to the storeroom,†he ordered, “and get me a Greek urn for Mr. Wilson, and be quick about it.†Ware rushed upstairs and called to one of the packers, “Hi mate, what’s a Greek urn?†“I don’t know,†was the reply. “Depends on the job he’s got.†* * * *
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