Sonny's Funnies
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A woman who had driven the other members of a first-aid class nearly frantic by her continual criticism of the whole idea turned up one morning a complete convert—first-aid training was a wonderful thing. “Why,†she said, yesterday I was sitting at home when I heard a screeching of brakes and then a terrific crash. Two cars had upturned right in front of our gate and four people were lying in the road. One woman had a deep cut in her arm, two men had broken legs and another severe lacerations of the face. But, thank heaven, I remembered exactly what you had taught me. So I bent over and put my head between my knees—and I didn’t faint. * * * snowyday
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A northern visitor pausing at a country store in the Tennessee mountains was greeted by a grizzled native with a pleasant “Howdy,†and passed the time of day with the old gentleman on the most agreeable terms. The traveler was considerably taken aback when he happened to glance down at the native’s feet and discovered they were unshod. “Tell me,†he inquired, ‘is it the custom of this section to go bare-footed?†“Waal,†the old man drawled, “some of us wear shoes, but all of us tend to our own business.†* * * * snowyday
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SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT:…
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On a hot summer day an interested group of on-lookers watched some archaeologists uncover an ancient Indian burial ground in Kansas. In the crowd was a large woman who kept loudly and repeatedly reminding the workers they were committing a crime: “An Indian has every right to a private burial. Grown men should be ashamed of themselves, disturbing the dead.†Finally, the woman triumphantly asked how the scientists knew that one of the skeletons they had just uncovered was that of an Indian squaw, as they had pointed out. Looking up the archaeologist answered slowly. “Well, madam, for one thing, you’ll note the lower jaw is worn out. …
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Thoughts for Today Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then sh*t on your car. A penny saved is a government oversight. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .. He who hesitates is probably right. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 w…
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Especially annoyed at the slowness of Private Smith, the sergeant-major strode up to him. What was your job in civil life? He barked. Bank Clerk, said Smith. I suppose, sneered the sergeant-major, you dusted the desks and washed out the ink wells and made nice cups of tea for the manager. Oh, no, sir, replied Smith, we kept an old sergeant-major for those jobs. * * * I get these jokes from 1940's newspapers when every able bodied man was in the military. Snowyday
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Homer Simpson Quotes D'oh! America can't collapse! We're as powerful as ancient Rome! Look at me, I'm flying like Superman's dog! I have been acting like telethon Jerry Lewis when I should have been acting like rest-of-the-year Jerry Lewis. And didn't the Easter bunny himself say, "Forgive them father, for finding all my eggs?" I hate Traffic. The band AND the phenomenon! Oh, why do my actions have consequences? I love going to aquatic parks. Sure, they have worse rides than amusement parks, less fish than aquariums, but the parking is ample! Thank goodness it's TGIF! Marge, I thought this was an inocuous lunch, but it's become terribly ocuou…
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The rain had been pouring and there was a big rain puddle in front of the pub just outside the Air Force Base. A very old and long retired Aviator was standing near the edge with a fishing rod, his line in the puddle. A curious young Air Force pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' the old man simply said. 'Poor old fool,' the young officer thought. He then invited the old timer into the pub for a drink. As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the Air Force pilot asked, "And how many have you caught?' 'You're the eighth,' the old guy answered.
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Blonde Joke
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A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."
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A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6:00 news when a story came up about a man who was threatening to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead that the man wouldn't jump off the bridge and the readhead accepted. Well, sure enough, the man jumped and so the blonde gave the redhead the 50 bucks. "I can't take this, you're my best friend." The blonde looked at her, "Just take it." "Well, I saw this on the 5;00 news, so I knew he was gonna jump off." The blonde laughed, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again.
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Beer Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." -- Babe Ruth An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- Ernest Hemingway When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Paul Hornung 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. -- H.L. Mencken When w…
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Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a doubledecker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana . The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What in the world is going on up here? We…
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A naval strategist of the highest order, Adm. Chester W. Nimitz, is likewise a supremely wise student of feminine psychology. When the Breakers Hotel at Waikiki was opened as a recreation center for enlisted men, the Admiral put in an appearance, and permitted himself to be photographed dancing with an exceedingly comely brunette. A few days later the picture was offered for his inspection and he readily and cheerfully approved it, for publicity purposes. But, at the same time, he said, “I’ll take one, if you don’t mind.†The Admiral then wrote a brief communication, slipped it into an envelope along with the photograph and said to an assistant.  
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A tramp knocked at the back door of an inn called “George and the Dragon.†When the landlady opened the door, the tramp asked, “Can you spare a poor man a bite to eat?†“No!†screamed the woman and slammed the door in his face. After a few minutes the tramp knocked again, and the same woman opened the door. “Now,†asked the tramp, “could I have a few words with George?†* * * * snowyday
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Tough Texan
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A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One man from Texas is better than ten Iraqis." The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes and then, silence. The voice once again calls out "One man from Texas is better than one hundred Iraqi." Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again, silence. The Rebel voice calls out again "One man from Texas is better than one thousand Iraqi." The enraged Iraqi commander m…
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A United States Army Major stationed in Australia decided to go on a kangaroo hunt. He climbed into his jeep and instructed his driver to proceed to the plains in quest of a kangaroo. Soon they spotted one, and the driver drove the jeep in hot pursuit. For some time they went at breakneck speed without gaining on the animal. Finally the driver shouted to the Major: “Ain’t no use chasing that thing, sir!†“Why.†Sam?†“Cause we is now doin’ sixty-five, and that critter ain’t put his front feet down yet!†* * * from a 1945 newspaper snowyday
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There seemed to be nothing in the world that Private Sawtell couldn’t do. Around Manila, where he served, they called him “the most versatile man in the Army. One day, when an officer wanted a haircut and the barber was away, Private Sawtell volunteered to do the job. Were you ever a barber? Asked the officer. Yes, sir, replied Sawtell, I was a barber for three years. A few days later another officer, heartily tired of the regular camp rations, wanted a special dish prepared. I can prepare it, sir, said Private Sawtell, saluting. Did you ever cook? He was asked. Yes, Sir; three years experience, sir. The dish was marvelous. Three days later t…
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A motorist whose car broke down one night on a lonely road in Northern Ireland found humble but hospitable accommodation in a small croft nearby. Next morning his breakfast consisted mainly of a large bowl of porridge. During the meal he was astonished to find himself rather popular with a small pig, which nuzzled against his legs in a most affectionate and persistent manner. At last he remarked to his host: “Your pig seems to have taken a great liking to me. I didn’t know a pig could be so affectionate.†“Oh, it’s not you it likes,†was the Irishman’s reply. “It’s just that you’re using his bowl.†* * * * snowyday
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One of the neighbors is proud of her little boy’s scientific knowledge and likes to show him off in front of our bridge club. One afternoon she asked her poor man’s quiz kid: Bobby, what does it mean when steam comes out of the spout of the teakettle?†“It means,†said Bobby, “that you are going to open one of Daddy’s letters.†* * * * snowyday
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A woman missionary in China took tea with a Mandarin’s eight wives. Her clothes, hair and teeth interested them, but her feet amazed them. “Why,†cried one, “you can walk or run as well as a man.†“Yes, to be sure,†said the missionary. “Can you ride a horse and swim too?†“Yes.†“Then you must be as strong as a man.†“I am.†“And you wouldn’t let a man beat you – not even if he was your husband – would you?†“Indeed I wouldn’t.†The oldest of the wives said softly. “Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife. He is afraid.†* * * * snowyday
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A certain well-known gambler failed to pay a large note when it became due and, in consequence, the loan shark who had it waxed highly indignant and berated the debtor in bitter and extremely uncomplimentary terms. Whereupon the gambler, greatly insulted, poked a pistol in the lender’s ribs and barked: “Eat that note, you lily-livered dollar grabber.†With some difficulty, the money lender chewed up the document and swallowed it. A few weeks later, to his utter amazement and delight, the gambler fell into a highly profitable run of luck, and paid off the obligation in full. A little later the gambler came to the money lender and applied for a…
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When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendit…
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She: “What do you do in the Navy?†He: “I’m a bone specialist.†She: “Oh, you set them? He: “No, I roll ‘em.†Snowyday
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Subject:Wife is missing A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife: Husband :- I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.... Inspector :- What is her height ? Husband:- I never checked.... Inspector :-Slim or healthy ?. Husband:- Not slim can be healthy. Inspector :- Colour of eyes ? Husband :- Never noticed. Inspector :- Colour of hair ? Husband :- Changes according to season. Inspector :- What was she wearing? Husband : Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit. Inspector :- Was she driving? Husband :- yes. Inspector :- tell me the number, name, model & color of the car ? . . . . . …
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