Sonny's Funnies
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There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them. He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!" The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
Last reply by gizzard, -
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Home Early
by Sonny- 1 reply
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A few years ago I came home from a night of drinking with the boys. As I usually do, I fell through the doorway of our house. My wife snapped at me, “What’s the big idea coming home half drunk?†My reply was simple, I just said “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.â€
Last reply by GVS, -
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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as…
Last reply by SEFEGeorge, -
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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? As told by famous people: AN ORTHODOX RABBI: It was the Sabbath what was he going to do, drive there? THE POPE: The chicken was motivated to cross the road because he realized that only by doing so could he achieve Salvation. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, an…
Last reply by Ronc, -
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25 Things I Learned From The Movies 1. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. 2. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. 4. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. 5. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. 6. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness. 7. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. 8. No matt…
Last reply by Dave in WV, -
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Questions to be Answered: Why are outlets electrical but inlets are geographical? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why isn't anything in Wal-Mart free yet, if they're lowering prices every day? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they call the airport the terminal, if flying is so safe? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why isn't it called an asteroid instead of a hemorrhoid - it's on your butt! (thanks to Alex Garofalo) Why is dyslexic such a hard word to spell? (thanks to Jordan) Why are the others here, if we are here to help others? Why do you believe it when someone tells you t…
Last reply by migraywolf, -
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You answer the door before people knock. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You lick your coffeepot clean. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Y…
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
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Men vs. Women #1 Subtle differences. Handwriting: Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "b" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note. Groceries: Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things. Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks …
Last reply by hlg6016, -
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. Banning the bra was a big flop. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. Practice safe eat…
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
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After a long, hot day on the golf course my buddies & I stopped in at “Hooter's†for some Hot Wings and cold beer. After being there for a while one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with. I told them, "The one who knows how to fix elevators......... I'm old, tired, and I pee a lot."
Last reply by 314FMS, -
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STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? A. his last battle Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? A. at the bottom of the page Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? A. liquid Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? A. marriage Q5. What is the main reason for failure? A. exams Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? A. Lunch & dinner Q7. What looks like half an apple? A. The other half Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? A. It will simply become wet Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? A. No problem, he sleeps at night. Q10. How can y…
Last reply by donwon, -
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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving …
Last reply by Paycheck, -
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was just a sew-sew job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, b…
Last reply by donwon, -
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Alligator shoes.... After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and ha…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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What is a CAT? 1. Cats do what they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. When you want to play, they want to be alone. 5. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 6. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 7. They're moody. 8. They leave hair everywhere. CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats. What is a DOG? 1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4. They growl when they are not happ…
Last reply by donwon, -
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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want…
Last reply by donwon, -
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I know many of you are looking forward to the upcoming college football season. Well, here's a little recap of last year......... Alabama beat Arkansas and Arkansas fired their coach. Alabama beat Tennessee and Tennessee fired their coach. Alabama beat Auburn and Auburn fired their coach. Then Alabama beat Notre Dame, and the Pope resigned. Question: How do we get the Congress to play Alabama?
Last reply by donwon, -
Blonde Joke
by Sonny- 1 reply
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While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A Blonde Girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the Blonde Girl sympathetically, "That must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
Last reply by mongo, -
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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: Need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assu…
Last reply by tinwhistle, -
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It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 2. Say "silk" five …
Last reply by tinwhistle, -
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At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee." "I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled,"volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent. "I guess tha…
Last reply by donwon, -
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An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?' She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, 'I will give you 6 days in jail.' Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, ' What is it? ' The husband said 'She also stole a can of peas.'
Last reply by C130Hcc, -
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Today's word is .................. Fluctuations I was at my bank today. There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was very irritated ... She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too."
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
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How children perceive their Grandparents...... 1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye. 2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?" 3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmothe…
Last reply by Jeffysan, -
Locked Out
by Sonny- 1 reply
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A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around. Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "
Last reply by C130Hcc,