Sonny's Funnies
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"BALLS TO THE WALL" IS A TERM THAT PILOTS USE THAT HAS ORIGINS FROM THE EARLIER DAYS OF FLIGHT, WHEN THE THROTTLE, PROP CONTROL, AND MIXTURE HAD KNOBS THAT MADE IT EASIER FOR THE PILOT TO GRIP ...FULL FORWARD TO THE INSTRUMENT PANEL ..."BALLS TO THE WALL." St Louis Approach control... St. Louis Approach to United: "United 123 best forward speed to the outer marker, you are Number 1." United 123 (male voice): “Roger, balls to the wall." St. Louis Approach to American: "American 4321, you're Number 2 behind a United 737, follow him, cleared visual, at best forward speed." American 4321 (female voice): "Well I can't do balls to the wall, but I ca…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" "Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The …
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Subject: Grandma’s Remedies “For better digestion I drink beer, in the case of appetite loss I drink white wine, in the case of low blood pressure I drink red wine, in the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch, and when I have a cold I drink schnapps.” “When do you drink water?” “I’ve never been that sick!”
Last reply by Sonny, -
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From the United States Air Force - “There are old pilots and bold pilots, but very few old bold pilots.†* * * * Children do brighten up a home. Who ever saw one of them turn out a light. * * * * Loose teeth worry more people than loose morals. * * * * An author dedicated a new book to his wife, without whose absence, he said, it could never have been written. * * * * Another way of getting the wrong number is to ask a woman her age. * * * * When the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it may be that they take better care of it over there. * * * * It has been suggested that the reason there were fewer wrecks in the horse an…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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A "Kinder, Gentler System" Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new notebook PC. Instead of producing the cryptic error message characteristic of Microsoft's operating systems, Sony's president said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been-until now-an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry." The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages: A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. The Web site you …
Last reply by Sonny, -
In the days just before Pearl Harbor our citizen soldiers weren’t always too highly regarded by the folks who lived near the southern camp when I was trying to learn to be a military man. One blistering summer day found my outfit slogging down a back-country road, sweltering under full field packs. A bend in the road disclosed a barefoot farm boy, holding the halter of an exceedingly poor mule. One of the company wits, always eager to bait a rustic, sang out: “Say, sonny, why are you holding your brother so tight?†Back flashed the reply, “To keep the darn fool from joining the army.†* * *
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'My Plane"
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'My Plane" During a readiness exercise, two Air Force security policemen were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircraft were kept. When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, one of the Air Force security policemen asked him for it. "I don't see why I have to show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my plane." "Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane," replied the Air Force security man, "but it's sitting in my garage!"
Last reply by Sonny, -
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When you’re over seventy...Who cares? ***************************** I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this FAT, ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches... But, when you’re over seventy;…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Today's word is .................. Fluctuations I was at my bank today. There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was very irritated ... She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too."
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
This is the story of John Mule, late of the United States Coast Guard. It couldn’t happen anywhere but here. One day the sailors at the Coast Guard depot in Curtis Bay, Maryland, wearying of hauling coal in wheelbarrows to fuel their ships, pooled their funds and purchased a mule to do their hauling for them. But mules must eat, and the pay of a Coast Guard sailor hardly provided for feeding a mule. The problem was temporarily solved by enlisting the mule in the Coast Guard, putting his name on the official payroll as John Mule, fireman third class. But fireman third class, John Mule proved to be an extremely hearty eater, and soon they found if necessary to prom…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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An older couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their phones. The wife, being a romantic, decided one day that she would send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams, If you are laughing, send me your smile, If you are eating, send me a bite, If you are drinking, send me a sip, If you are crying, send me your tears, I love you. The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: I'm on the toilet. Please advise
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send an e-mail to his wife back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error... In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who h…
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A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. “So what are your plans?†The father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar.†He says. “A Torah scholar, Hmmm,†the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?†“I will study,†the young man said, and God will provide for us.†“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?†asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies, 
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating." her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy long legs." her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy long legs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy long legs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden."
Last reply by tinyclark, -
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Yogi Berra Quotes Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked. If you don't know where you're going, chances are you will end up somewhere else. (When bumped by a man carrying a grandfather clock) Why can't you wear a watch like everybody else? I really didn't say everything I said. If you ask me a question I don't know, I'm not going to answer. It ain't the heat; it's the humility. It's deja-vu all over again. You should always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise they won't come to yours. The only reason I need these gloves is 'cause of my hands. You can't think and hit at the same time. If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be. …
Last reply by Sonny, -
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The husband was 50 and his wife around 45 when he became critically ill. He died a few weeks later and his body was taken to a neighborhood funeral home along with the list of pallbearers the widow wanted. The funeral director looked at the list and said, “I knew your husband very well. He had a lot of friends about his age and I feel sure he would have liked to have some of them carry his casket. All the names on this list are young men in their twenties. “I know,†the widow said. “I am aware of all this but I must start thinking of myself. I expect to get married again and I don’t want to waste any time looking over the crop of eligible men.†A…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him And one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might h…
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My buddy in A$$krakistan sent me this, figured it might get a chuckle or two in the 130 world. THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER This one is a little different...... Two Different Versions.... .............. Two Different Morals _____ OLD VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself! …
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," sa…
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Bumper Stickers Where is the rapture when you need it? Faster than a speeding ticket. Better half a slogan... People who think they know it all really annoy those of us who do. Ham radio operators do it with greater frequency. I have a perfect body. It's your vision that's defective. Well, at least the war on the environment is going well. Just be happy I'm not a twin. I'm not perfect, but I'm so close that it scares me. Churches only worship the prophet margin. You probably don't recognize me without my cape. Don't believe everything you think. Without geometry, life is pointless. WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts? …
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
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A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it. He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner. The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; And I won't be bringing it back." As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. …
Last reply by Dan Wilson, -
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A blonde with a big chest... well, she was carrying a big styrofoam chest, back to the grocery store where she had purchased it earlier in the day. She stormed up to the customer service desk and demanded to see the manager. Looking at her chest, the manager asked the blonde what was wrong. She said that she had purchased this chest because the sign on it said that it keeps hot food hot and cold food cold. The manager said that was correct because she had a very well insulated chest. The blonde demamded a refund, saying the chest doesn't work, because she bought a hot rotisserie chicken and a gallon of ice cream, put them in it, and when she got home, the ice cream …
Last reply by gizzard, -
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I guy named Bob retired from his first job in his early 50s; after a short time he realized he needed something else to do or he would go nuts. He took a job at a small production company and excelled at everything he was assigned and took the initiative to to improve/streamline things. He only had one fault....he was 5-15 minutes late every morning. Finally his boss called him in....."Bob, we're very pleased with your performance, in fact you've exceeded all expectations except one. You're late every morning. Now I see here that you retired from the Air Force; I can't believe an outfit like that would tolerate something like this. Did this happen there too?" "Yes"…
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Came across this pic and thought i'd post it.... [ATTACH]2122[/ATTACH]
Last reply by SEFEGeorge, -
HER DIARY Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior …
Last reply by tinyclark,