Sonny's Funnies
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Cowboys and Chili A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming ... He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young Cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight…
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach
Last reply by Sonny, -
On the day that Hitler seized power over his countrymen, a famous professor of economics in Heidelberg was asked what he would do if he suddenly got a letter from the Gestapo. “For one thing,†he replied, “I would finish reading it on the train.†Snowyday
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A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist asks, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady explains that she needs it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he replies, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!" With that the lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and replies, "Well now, you didn't tell m…
Last reply by gizzard, -
Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off. "Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need." As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane. As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?" "Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to e…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Last reply by Sonny, -
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I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime w…
Last reply by donwon, -
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There was once a mighty king who bestowed a princely reward upon every barber who gave him a good shave. But if the barber drew so much as one drop of blood from him, he had the unfortunate man beheaded. One day a new barber gave the king a most excellent shave, and received his rich reward. “Were you nervous for fear you’d cut me?†the king asked. The barber smiled. “No, Your, Majesty,†he replied; “for if I had drawn a drop of blood from you, you would never have lived to raise an alarm. I would have slit your throat from ear to ear!†Moral: The power of the world’s mightiest man ends at the edge of a razor—or the end of a gun! * * * *…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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A driver is pulled over by a policeman. Man: Is there a problem Officer? Officer: Sir, you were speeding. Man: Oh I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Man: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Man: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Man: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Man: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Man: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner. Officer: You what? Man: She's in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A …
Last reply by Sonny, -
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So .. you think you have rhythm! This is a MUST watch. This 3 year old kid is priceless. At about 2 and 1/2 minutes he makes a slight mistake----- watch his quick recovery and all facial expressions through-out the whole performance. http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=aJG9Tol1a0U Sister is back ... Thank Heavens: www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=7Jrh_uuPmd0
Last reply by Skip Davenport, -
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Things You Read on T-Shirts: Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person. I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus. Some days you are the pigeon. …
Last reply by C130Hcc, -
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An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comesback with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing." The second day…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A new chapel had been built near an Army camp, and to insure attendance the colonel ordered his top kick to march a battalion of men up to the Sunday morning service. After a tough Saturday night fellows weren’t too pleased, nor did their resentment abate, when, inspired by the full attendance, the pastor held forth for over an hour. When service was over, he still had another treat for them. Producing an armful of candles he gave one to each soldier, saying he would lead a march through the crypt of the church and show them some interesting sights. But, bless my soul, he concluded. I thought I counted most carefully, but I find I have one candle too many. …
Last reply by snowyday, -
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During the war there were many soldiers who were placed in jobs for which, to put it charitably, they were not exactly fitted. There was, for instance, the company of Cockneys who were put to work cutting down some trees. They had never cut a tree in London. They were chipping away, torturously gnawing into a tree with their inexpert axes, when the officer in command inquired, “Corporal, in which direction are you going to fell that tree..†The little Cockney pauses, wiped the sweat from his brow, and growled, “Ow the ‘ell do I know?†Do I look like a bloody prophet?†* * * * snowyday
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Alice’s new beau had hardly got seated on the parlor sofa when her little brother brought him a glass of water.†The young man drank it and returned the glass to the small boy who looked disgusted. “He don’t,†he said audibly to his sister. “Doesn’t what, dear?†said the girl. “Why, he don’t drink any different from anyone else, and pop said he drank like a fish.†* * * * snowyday
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My karma ran over your dogma . A fool and his money are a girl's best friend. I'm not driving fast-just flying low. Help starve a feeding bureaucrat. My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird! Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery . "I is a college student." If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW! Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? Life is too complicated in the morning. All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Locked Out
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A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around. Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "
Last reply by C130Hcc, -
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Going wireless? After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City , New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles ,California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Overweight
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An Antartian is terribly overweight, so his doctor puts him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks," the doctor ordered. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the Antartian returns, he's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?" The Antartian nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" the doc questioned. "No, from skipping."
Last reply by Sonny, -
A Red Cross worker on a remote Pacific island called the Army command to report a disease peculiar to the tropics: “We have a case of beriberi here. What shall we do?†The following reply came: “Give it to the Sea Bees, they’ll drink anything.†* * * Snowyday
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Before a country inn two thieves espied a fine horse hitched to a farm wagon. “We need that animal,†said one of the thieves, “but if the owner came out and found him gone he’d give chase and capture us. That would mean jail for us.†“Leave it to me,†said the other thief. “You take the horse and ride away as fast as you can. I’ll take care of the owner.†When the owner of the horse came out of the inn, he found his horse gone, and in its stead stood the thief, the harness upon him, the feed bag hanging from his neck. “What’s the meaning of this?†the farmer cried. “My dear sir,†replied the man in the harness, “don’ get exci…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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How children perceive their Grandparents...... 1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye. 2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?" 3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmothe…
Last reply by Jeffysan, -
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A professor at the Virginia Tech was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.* *Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly* *He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'* *She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'* *It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........*
Last reply by spec13fe, -
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me.' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. ! She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?' Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fo…
Last reply by gizzard, -
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Natives of the New Guinea mountain country looked upon U. S. Army doctors as miracle men, capable of any accomplishment they desire. This often led to complications while American forces were occupying the island. One day, a village chief, or head man, appeared at a field installation. He was suffering a severe toothache, and was told that the torturing molar would have to be pulled. “Okay,†he said. “But when Merica-fella stop ache, me want tooth put back in.†* * * Snowyday
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