Sonny's Funnies
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A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died. "Now," he said,†what do you learn from this?" An eager student gave his answer. "Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
Last reply by Muff Millen, -
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The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! …
Last reply by Sparks, -
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Watch out America!!
Last reply by Sparks, -
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There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them. He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!" The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
Last reply by SEFEGeorge, -
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Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel busin…
Last reply by Sparks, -
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Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer. IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing ga…
Last reply by Sparks, -
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How to treat a woman: > > Wine her. > > Dine her. > > Call her. > > Hold her. > > Surprise her. > > Compliment her. > >! ; Smile at her. > > Listen to her. > > Laugh with her. > > Cry with her. > > Romance her. > > Encourage her. > > Believe in her. > > Pray with her. > > Pray for her. > > Cuddle with her. > > Shop with her. > > Give her jewelry. > > Buy her flowers. > > Hold her hand. > > Write love letters to her. > > Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her. How To Treat a Man: > > Show up na…
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
Baby Names
by Sonny- 1 reply
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One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him. "Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids." "What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?" "He named your …
Last reply by Railrunner130, -
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One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied , "Well to night I'm the des…
Last reply by bbsoto, -
Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on The Reply: Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad.
Last reply by Jeffysan, -
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The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas... Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding): 1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four…
Last reply by tinwhistle, -
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There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her. So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her. Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval. Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that! Well, the old lady went to the fi…
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
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‘I Forgot My Glasses’ Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time in retirement. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation in many of our conversations. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You’re 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to m…
Last reply by bbsoto, -
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"I'm afraid I'll never see you in heaven, Johnny," the Sunday School teacher said to her most mischievous child. "Why," questioned Johnny, "What have you been doing wrong?" Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?" Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replied,…
Last reply by mongo, -
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LOL.
Last reply by gizzard, -
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A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the news says,"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."The blonde starts crying and says to her husband while sobbing"That's horrible! So many men dying that way!" Confused the husband replies "Yes dear, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "So how many is a Brazilian?
Last reply by gizzard, -
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The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it. The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again. …
Last reply by Dutch, -
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#1 .. SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick! #2 ... BARACK OBAMA: Let me be clear, the chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change! Real change! Change he could believe in! #3 ... JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. #4 ... HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure, right from Day One, that every chicken in this country gets the cha…
Last reply by Sonny, -
This is what marriage is really all about: He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple, all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As …
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
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Have you ever wondered Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improve…
Last reply by tinwhistle, -
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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as…
Last reply by pwylie, -
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Just might want to get one of these.
Last reply by Fräulein, -
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This good ol’ boy has a point..... The Old Pipeliner Says... Participating in a gun buy back program because you think that criminals have too many guns is like having yourself castrated because you think your neighbors have too many kids...
Last reply by tinwhistle, -
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First Smartphone:
Last reply by gizzard, -
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A blonde with a big chest... well, she was carrying a big styrofoam chest, back to the grocery store where she had purchased it earlier in the day. She stormed up to the customer service desk and demanded to see the manager. Looking at her chest, the manager asked the blonde what was wrong. She said that she had purchased this chest because the sign on it said that it keeps hot food hot and cold food cold. The manager said that was correct because she had a very well insulated chest. The blonde demamded a refund, saying the chest doesn't work, because she bought a hot rotisserie chicken and a gallon of ice cream, put them in it, and when she got home, the ice cream …
Last reply by gizzard,