Sonny's Funnies
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Suspicion Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.... When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate. "Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
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“I have come to join my husband,†said Mrs. Smith, arriving at the Golden Gate. “Delighted to meet you, ma’am,†replied the keeper. “What was your husband’s name?†“Joseph Smith.†“I’m afraid that will not be sufficient for us to identify him. You see we have quite a lot of Joseph Smith’s up here. Are there any other means by which I can identify him?†“Well before he died he told me that if I ever kissed another man he would turn over in his grave.†“Oh, I know the chap. Up here we call him “Whirling Joe!†* * * Snowyday
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Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch AND you'll have to go to the bathroom. Law of Gravity: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always…
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Gotta love those grand-kids .. I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, What day is tomorrow?" Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!" .. She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?" .. I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc. She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, And if he sees his shadow, we have another year of BS." You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.
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Many years ago, an alleged horse thief was brought up for trial in a rough and tumble Western frontier town. Before the proceedings began, the judge gave the usual instructions to the jury. “Ladies and gentleman, this here is a democratic country, and this feller is supposed to get a fair trial. You’ll have to listen to the testimony and decide the verdict, guilty of not guilty. But remember one thing. There’s somebody bigger’n you or me. There’s a Divine Justice, above and beyond this court-room, an Eternal Providence lookin’ down here, and He ain’t gonna be took in by no lyin’ hoss thief.†* * * * Snowyday
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Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back: 1. Weightlifting commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing. 2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother. 3. Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. 4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious. 5. Softball announcer: If…
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A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long." He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out." The man again happened to be behind the pair…
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A visitor at the Army’s brand new Pentagon Building recently was startled by ominous rumblings in an adjacent corridor. “Don’t be alarmed,†said the Colonel with whom she was conferring, “that is simply the redeployment of the LSDs. Generals are mapping strategy, and careful study has been made on their disposition. “But what are LSDs?†inquired the visitor. “Large Steel Desks.†The Colonel said. New York Newspaper 3 Apr 1946 * * * Snowyday
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Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel busin…
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A rabbit broke out of the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking, for the first time in his life. "Wow," he thought. "This is great." It wasn't long before he came to a hedge. After squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight -- lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. "Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes, come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?", he asked. "Well," one of them said.…
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A fond mother received the following letter from her son: “Dear Mum—I joined the Navy because I liked the way the ships were kept so clean and tidy. But I never knew until this week who keeps them so clean and tidy,--Love Jimmy.†* * *
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From 1943 A certain officer’s confidential report had written on it, by his commanding officer: “This officer should go far.†The Brigadier added: “The farther the better†The divisional commander wrote: “He should start at once.†snowyday
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We all need a good Laugh... Judas Asparagus If you need a laugh today, then this should do it! A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching??? Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give m…
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When Alonzo Stagg was one of the country’s outstanding football coaches, he kept substitutes on the bench constantly alert by suddenly popping questions at them while a game was in progress. One afternoon he turned to a fourth-string sub who had played the role of human tackling dummy in practice all season, but had failed to get into a single game, and demanded: “You Cartmell – What would you do if we had possession of the ball, one minute to play, the score nothing-to-nothing, and we had only 4 yards to go for a touchdown?†“Gee, coach,†stammered the substitute. “I’d slide down to the end of the bench, so I could see better.†* * * * snow…
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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so exci…
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An old lady living in the country had a son in the Navy. On one of her rare visits to a neighboring town she saw a sailor. Trembling with excitement she asked him if he knew her boy. She told him his name. “Well, what ship is he on?†asked the sailor. “What ship?†exclaimed the old lady. “Are there two?†* * *
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was just a sew-sew job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, b…
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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as…
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One dark night, not long ago a certain eminent Chicago attorney found himself standing at the wrong end of an incredibly large pistol. He was shocked to recognize the thug who was holding him up. “Look here†he protested, “Don’t you know me? I’m your benefactor. Don’t you recall I once saved you from the electric chair by proving you were crazy?†The thug laughed heartily and playfully prodded his victim in the ribs with his revolver. “Sure, I remember you!†he guffawed. “And ain’t holding up your benefactor a crazy thing to do?†* * * * snowyday
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Redneck Medical Terms Benign - What you be, after you be eight. Artery - The study of paintings Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria Barium - what doctors do when patients die Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome Cat scan - searching for kitty Cauterize - made eye contact with her Colic - a sheep dog coma- a punctuation mark D & C - Where Washington is Dilate - to live long Enema - Not a friend Fester - quicker than someone else Fibula - a small lie Genital - a non-Jewish person GI series - world series of military baseball Hangnail - what you hang your coat on Impotent - distinguished, well-known Labor pain - getting hurt at work medical staff…
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There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started ov…
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Two brothers, one a famous baseball pitcher, the other a minister, met after a long separation. Some time was spent in exchanges of reminiscences. Finally the minister said, “How is it, Bill – I spent four years in college and three in seminary, and you’ve never done anything but play ball. Now you’re getting a salary of $30,000, and I’m getting $3,000. I can’t understand it.†Bill thought a minute, then said: “I’ll tell you how it is, Jim; it’s all in the delivery. May 27, 1950 newspaper * * * * snowyday
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Saw this picture and laughed.
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The federal government’s most valuable function is entertainment. Never even remotely suggest to a woman that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. A penny saved is worthless. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. One factor uniting all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday, and that time is age 11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illnes…
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The trucker was very much surprised to get a call from a man who said he had to have a dead horse, but nevertheless offered to help. The dead horse was found. “Now,†said the ‘client,’ “I want you to drive to my house with him.†By now the trucker thought the man was crazy, but he was getting paid for the job, so off he went. Arriving at the house, he was told to take the dead horse in and up to the bathroom and put it in the bath tub. “You mean to say you want this dead horse put in your bath tub?†“That’s what I said†So the dead horse was placed in the bath tub, with much effort. But when he had been paid the trucker could stand it n…
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