Sonny's Funnies
2,949 topics in this forum
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Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but it might take all day. Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees? A. There is not enough time to get everything done. Q. Why don't retirees mind being called senior citizens? A. The term comes with a 10% discount. Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire? A. Tied shoes. Q. Why do retirees count pennies? A. They are the only ones who have the time. Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? A. NUTS! Q. Why are retirees so slow …
Last reply by larry myers, -
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A touchy-CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?" The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."
Last reply by larry myers, -
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Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$ 100. People never stare at your chest when y…
Last reply by Steven Leventen, -
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If you are from D.C. you'll understand these rules. If you are coming here, you'll learn these rules. If you are just going to visit, give up. Read, enjoy and then destroy them. 1) First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is D.C., or "the District". Only tourists call it Washington. 2) Next, if your road map of Montgomery County in Maryland is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County, Virginia and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete. 3) There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW (Baltimore-Wash…
Last reply by 0495, -
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England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore. I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. A will is a dead giveaway. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old wa…
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
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Playing Horse Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include... 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse" 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses. 7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse. 8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability. 9. Comparing the s…
Last reply by RonDickson, -
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Last reply by munirabbasi, -
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Please copy and paste this to your status if you're constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by friends who copy and paste things to their status. Many people won't copy and paste this, but my true sarcastic friends will copy and paste it because they know this was copied and pasted from a dear friend in need of more stuff to copy and paste; and if you don't copy and paste it, then this means you hate Jesus, kittens, and puppies, and bacon. And if you hate bacon, the terrorists win.
Last reply by Fräulein, -
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1. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?" 2. "No really...I was laughing about a joke I heard one time." 3. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off." 4. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread." 5. "Wait a minute...I get it. What time of the month is it? 6. "Are you gonna cry? (force lip to quiver mockingly)...cry for your mommy?" 7. "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one? 8. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. 9. "That reminds me. Next time you go to the store could you add a giant fucking cork to the shopping list? 10. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on." 11. "Looks like someone had an…
Last reply by SEFEGeorge, -
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1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 2. Your orgasms are real. Always. 3. Your last name stays put. 4. The garage is all yours. 5. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. 7. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 10. Same work ... more pay. 11. Wrinkles-add character. 12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. 13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 15. People never glance at your chest when you're tal…
Last reply by SEFEGeorge, -
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" "Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The …
Last reply by SEFEGeorge, -
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Pelosium: A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium.. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The symbol of Pelosium is PU. Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the for…
Last reply by Dan Wilson, -
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A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating." her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy long legs." her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy long legs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy long legs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden."
Last reply by tinyclark, -
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So .. you think you have rhythm! This is a MUST watch. This 3 year old kid is priceless. At about 2 and 1/2 minutes he makes a slight mistake----- watch his quick recovery and all facial expressions through-out the whole performance. http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=aJG9Tol1a0U Sister is back ... Thank Heavens: www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=7Jrh_uuPmd0
Last reply by Skip Davenport, -
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Last reply by Fräulein, -
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A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it. He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner. The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; And I won't be bringing it back." As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. …
Last reply by Dan Wilson, -
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," sa…
Last reply by C130Hcc, -
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Have ya ever noticed: If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one. If a liberal doesn't like guns, then no one should have one. If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat. If a liberal is, he wants to ban all meat products for everyone. If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy. A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good. If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly enjoys his life. If a liberal is homosexual, he loudly demands legislated respect. If a black man or Hispanic is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful. Their liberal counte…
Last reply by tinyclark, -
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My buddy in A$$krakistan sent me this, figured it might get a chuckle or two in the 130 world. THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER This one is a little different...... Two Different Versions.... .............. Two Different Morals _____ OLD VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself! …
Last reply by Plaprad, -
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A young couple joined a new church and the pastor told them, "We require all new member couples to abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed, but after two weeks returned to see the pastor. The wife was crying and the husband was obviously depressed. 'You are back so soon, is there a problem?' inquired the pastor. 'We did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,' the young man replied sadly. "The first week we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible and as we began the third week we were powerless." The pastor asked what happened. The young man replied, "My wife reached for a can of p…
Last reply by SEFEGeorge, -
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A man went to the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure was to take place, a nurse came in to check his vitals. Then she asked him to take his clothes off. When he had undressed, she instructed him to lie down on the table. Then the nurse took off her clothes, climbed on top of him and had her way with him. Afterwards, the startled man tried to catch his breath and then he asked her what that was all about. She explained that studies have shown that, before a vasectomy, if the man ejaculates, he will be more relaxed and procedure becomes easier for the surgeon. Then the nurse wheeled the man over to the operating room. While they were tr…
Last reply by uncleglenn, -
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There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!" The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, " Leo you change with Jerry. Tony you change with Bert and Bob you change with Ed." THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on thi…
Last reply by tinyclark, -
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1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole…
Last reply by jetcal1, -
HER DIARY Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior …
Last reply by tinyclark, -
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We all need a good Laugh... Judas Asparagus If you need a laugh today, then this should do it! A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching??? Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give m…
Last reply by uncleglenn,
