Sonny's Funnies
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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your informat…
Last reply by Ronc, -
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A young couple joined a new church and the pastor told them, "We require all new member couples to abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed, but after two weeks returned to see the pastor. The wife was crying and the husband was obviously depressed. 'You are back so soon, is there a problem?' inquired the pastor. 'We did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,' the young man replied sadly. "The first week we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible and as we began the third week we were powerless." The pastor asked what happened. The young man replied, "My wife reached for a can of p…
Last reply by SEFEGeorge, -
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The history of press agentry presents one of its classic studies in futility in Bill Pine’s adventure with the fifty parrots. Bill, who had long been one of Hollywood’s most potent publicists, conceived the idea of training half a hundred of the talkative birds to repeat the title of Mae West’s newest film, “It Ain’t No Sin.†His plan was to dispatch the parrots to the larger American cities, where they could enliven interest in the picture by screaming the words to the natives. The drilling consumed many days of painful, nerve-wracking labor, but at last was accomplished. On the day before the picture’s scheduled release, Bill Pine went in …
Last reply by snowyday, -
Outsmarted
by Sonny- 0 replies
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An elderly married couple is traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to him, and then…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that …
Last reply by donwon, -
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A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye." She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies," that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing tr…
Last reply by C130Hcc, -
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USAF reactions to this event follow: Air Education and Training Command: The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer. Special Ops: The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using NVG’s, preferably near a road bend in a valley. Air Combat Command: The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossin…
Last reply by tinyclark, -
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Gus Edwards, Mechanic’s Mate, is one of the Navy’s most seasoned tale spinners. One day he was sitting with a group of English tars, discussing the relative merits of British and American ships. “I’m curious about your carriers,†one English tar said, How fast are they?†Old Gus looked at him and replied, “To tell you the truth, I don’t know. We’ve never really opened them up. All they’ve been required to do so far is to keep up with the planes.†* * * snowyday
Last reply by gizzard, -
First Date
by Sonny- 2 replies
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It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she…
Last reply by hlg6016, -
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1. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?" 2. "No really...I was laughing about a joke I heard one time." 3. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off." 4. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread." 5. "Wait a minute...I get it. What time of the month is it? 6. "Are you gonna cry? (force lip to quiver mockingly)...cry for your mommy?" 7. "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one? 8. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. 9. "That reminds me. Next time you go to the store could you add a giant fucking cork to the shopping list? 10. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on." 11. "Looks like someone had an…
Last reply by SEFEGeorge, -
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On the following map in getting directions enter Japan in A and China in B, scrool down to #43 > http://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&tab=wl
Last reply by Christiene, -
Two sailors returning to their base late one night lost their way. Said Joe: “Hey Mac, we must be in the cemetery. There’s a gravestone.†“Yeah,†said Mac. “Whose is it?†Joe lit a match and replied, “I dunno but he sure lived to a ripe old age of 175.†“Well, what’s his name?†insisted Mac. Joe lit another match and replied, Some guy named Miles from Memphis. * * * snowyday
Last reply by Jansen, -
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A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself, with the parr…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Gun Control for Seniors Gun Control; It has already started at Dick's Sporting Goods When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When The hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. I still do not think I looked that bad.
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A C-141-A Starlifter had been delayed for take-off for over an hour at Thule Air Force Base, Greenland, because a sewage repository had not been pumped out. Finally a young airman wanders up to the aircraft with the appropriate equipment. The airman fiddles around for a while, does his thing, and then gets ready to leave. The aircraft commander, a young captain, confronts the airman. "You've caused me to be two hours late for my take-off. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded, but punished as well! " At that the young airman, smiles. "Sir, with all due respect, I have no stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, it's 20 degrees below zero, and I'm pumpi…
Last reply by fltsload, -
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A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died. "Now," he said,†what do you learn from this?" An eager student gave his answer. "Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
Last reply by Muff Millen, -
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The youthful mountaineer from Kentucky was serving his first week in the Army. He walked out of the barracks and came face to face with his commanding officer. “Mawnin’, mister, he said in greeting. The C.O. halted him, and then proceeded to take him to task for not saluting. “Land sakes,†the youngster said when the lecture was finished. “If I’d knowed you was gonna carry on so, I wouldn’t a spoke a-tall.†1946 * * * Snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Two moonshiners from the West Virginia Mountains were taking their first train trip. They had heard of soda pop, but neither had ever tasted any, so when the vendor came through the car they each bought a bottle. The first moonshiner wiped the lip of the bottle with his hand and took a long drink—just as the train entered a tunnel. “How do you like it, Jed?†asked his companion in the darkness. “Don’t touch that stuff, Lem. I’ve been struck blind!†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
Bridge Game
by Sonny- 0 replies
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Fay was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them. To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay. Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Ala…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Picking Vegetables Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead."
Last reply by Sonny, -
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And God Looked Down.....Lest We Forget! Most seniors never get enough exercise. So in his wisdom God decreed that seniors would become forgetful and that they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things misplaced and so do some walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God saw there was yet a need. So God in his wisdom made seniors lose coordination so that they would drop things which would require them to bend and reach and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God considered the functioning of senior bladders and decided that in His wisdom there might be calls of nature more frequently requirin…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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[ATTACH]1190[/ATTACH]
Last reply by Skip Davenport, -
Quote
by trev130eng- 1 reply
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Give me power and give me the ability to fly and i don't give a s'''it about the rest. YAF pilot.
Last reply by tinyclark, -
Blonde Joke
by Sonny- 0 replies
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Last reply by Sonny, -
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Looking for that Tom Wilson bit reminded me of this I have a file of about 365 B&T skits - so if you want more Uncle BS stories, I'd have to look through that.
Last reply by Fräulein,