There I was at six thousand feet over central Iraq, two hundred eighty
knots and we're dropping faster than Paris Hilton's panties. It's a
typical September evening in the Persian Gulf; hotter than a rectal
thermometer and I'm sweating like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting. But
that's neither here nor there. The night is moonless over Baghdad
tonight, and blacker than a Steven King novel. But it's 2004, folks, and
I'm sporting the latest in night-combat technology. Namely, hand-me-down
night vision goggles (NVGs) thrown out by the fighter boys.
Additionally, my 1962 Lockheed C-130E Hercules is equipped with an
obsolete, yet, semi-effective missile warning system (MWS). The MWS
conveniently makes a nice soothing tone in your headset just before the
missile exlodes into your airplane. Who says you can't polish a turd?
At any rate, the NVGs are illuminating Baghdad International Airport
like the Las Vegas Strip during a Mike Tyson fight. These NVGs are the
cat's ass. But I've digressed. The preferred method of approach tonight
is the random shallow. This tactical maneuver allows the pilot to
ingress the landing zone in an unpredictable manner, thus exploiting the
supposedly secured perimeter of the airfield in an attempt to avoid
enemy surface-to-air- missiles and small arms fire. Personally, I
wouldn't bet my pink ass on that theory but the approach is fun as hell
and that's the real reason we fly it.
We get a visual on the runway at three miles out, drop down to one
thousand feet above the ground, still maintaining two hundred eighty
knots. Now the fun starts. It's pilot appreciation time as I descend the
mighty Herk to six hundred feet and smoothly, yet very deliberately,
yank into a sixty degree left bank, turning the aircraft ninety degrees
offset from runway heading. As soon as we roll out of the turn, I
reverse turn to the right a full two hundred seventy degrees in order to
roll out aligned with the runway. Some aeronautical genius coined this
maneuver the " Ninety/Two-Seventy." Chopping the power during the turn,
I pull back on the yoke just to the point my nether regions start to
sag, bleeding off energy in order to configure the pig for landing.
"Flaps Fifty!, Landing Gear Down!, Before Landing Checklist!" I look
over at the copilot and he's shaking like a cat shitting on a sheet of
ice. Looking further back at the navigator, and even through the NVGs, I
can clearly see the wet spot spreading around his crotch. Finally, I
glance at my steely-eyed flight engineer. His eyebrows rise in unison as
a grin forms on his face. I can tell he's thinking the same thing I am.
"Where do we find such fine young men?"
"Flaps One Hundred!" I bark at the shaking cat. Now it's all aimpoint
and airspeed. Aviation 101, with the exception there' are no lights, I'm
on NVGs, it's Baghdad, and now tracers are starting to crisscross the
black sky. Naturally, and not at all surprisingly, I grease the
Goodyear's on brick-one of runway 33 left, bring the throttles to ground
idle and then force the props to full reverse pitch. Tonight, the sound
of freedom is my four Hamilton Standard propellers chewing through the
thick, putrid, Baghdad air. The huge, one hundred thirty thousand pound,
lumbering whisper pig comes to a lurching stop in less than two thousand
feet. Let's see a Viper do that!
We exit the runway to a welcoming committee of government issued Army
grunts. It's time to download their beans and bullets and letters from
their sweethearts, look for war booty, and of course, urinate on
Saddam's home. Walking down the crew entry steps with my lowest-bidder,
Beretta 92F, 9 millimeter strapped smartly to my side, I look around and
thank God, not Allah, I'm an American and I'm on the winning team. Then
I thank God I'm not in the Army. Knowing once again I've cheated death,
I ask myself, "What in the hell am I doing in this mess?" Is it Duty,
Honor, and Country? You bet your ass. Or could it possibly be for the
glory, the swag, and not to mention, chicks dig the Air Medal. There's
probably some truth there too. But now is not the time to derive the
complexities of the superior, cerebral properties of the human portion
of the aviator-man-machine model. It is however, time to get out of this
shit-hole . Hey copilot clean yourself up! And how's 'bout the 'Before
Starting Engines Checklist."
God, I love this job!"