Sonny's Funnies
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A man shows up for his doctor's appointment with a piece of celery in each ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." Whereupon the doctor replied, " Perhaps you're not eating right."
Last reply by Sonny, -
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So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bi…
Last reply by Sonny, -
A wife asks her husband: ''Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have eggs, get six.'' A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him: ''Why did you buy six cartons of milk?'' He replies: ''They had eggs.''
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CATHOLIC HORSES One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse…
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A woman who had been driving only a little while made a slight mistake one afternoon and drove the family car off the road, through a fence, and into four feet of water. Result: Nothing more than a dunking for herself, but the car was water-logged. The problem, how to tell her hot-tempered husband with as little fireworks resulting as possible. After a lot of thinking she decided on the light, casual touch. “Dear,†she said that night, after he was well fed and comfortable, “remember last week when we had that fight, and you snapped at me and said ‘Go jump in the lake’ remember? Well, I did it today.†“What!†“Yes…
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A plane was flying low over some hills near Athens. From one of its windows a girl peered intensely, then called to the steward. “What’s that stuff on those hills?†she asked. “That’s snow,†came the reply. “Well,†said the girl, “that’s what I thought, but the man in front told me it was Greece.†* * * *
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The Sunday School teacher asked Bobby why he was late. “I was gonna go fishing this morning,†said Bobby, “but Daddy wouldn’t let me.†“You’re a very fortunate boy to have a father like that, “said the teacher. “And did your father make it clear to you why you shouldn’t go fishing on Sunday?†“Oh, sure,†replied Bobby. “He said there wasn’t enough bait for both of us.†* * *
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The Army psychiatrist wanted to be sure that the newly enlisted rookie was perfectly normal. Suspiciously he said: “What do you do for social life?†“Oh,†the man blushed, “just sit around mostly.†“Hmmmm—never go out with girls?†“Nope.†“Don’t you ever want to?†The man was uneasy. “Well, yes, sort of.†“Then, why don’t you?†“My wife don’t let me sir.†* * * *
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Aliens trying to mind-control a cow. LMAO. Of course, I had a few students that had this exact same look.
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A distinguished clergyman and one of his parishioners were playing golf. It was a very close match, and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball, and swung his driver with great force. The ball, instead of sailing down the fairway, merely rolled off the tee and settled slowly some 12 feet away. The clergyman frowned, glared, and bit his lip, but said nothing. His opponent regarded him for a moment, and then remarked: “Doctor, that is the most profane silence I have ever witnessed.†* * *
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A convict was breaking up rocks in a prison yard when a minister stopped by on an inspection trip. The minister remarked that the prisoner still had a lot of work to get through with. “Yep,†agreed the convict. “Them stones are just like the Ten Commandments. You can go on breaking ‘em but you can’t never get rid of ‘em.†* * * *
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The “greenhorn†switchman was working the yards one night in a small Missouri town. Part of the night’s work included pushing cars down a spur track to the loading docks of a manufacturing plant. A switch at the lower end of the spur led to an unused section of track which ended in the backwaters of the Mississippi River. Unknowingly having thrown the switch to the unused spur, the young switchman, when asked how many more cars the spur would hold, replied confidently. “If they all go where the first five went, mister, you can push cars down here all night and never fill up the track!†* * * *
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[h=2]Modern politics[/h] Politics explained SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away... TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have…
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Farmer Jones took his pig to town and sold it. With the money he bought a suit, a pair of shoes, and a hat. Then tucked the bundle under the seat of his wagon and said, “Giddap, Dobbin let’s get home and surprise Miranda.†On his way home he stopped at the river, took off his old clothes, threw then in the water and watched them sink. Then he looked under the seat for his new outfit. It was gone. Back on the seat he climbed and said, “Giddap, Dobbin, we’ll surprise her anyway.†* * * *
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A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of Tennessee and was on first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door. "Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in," said the kid. "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here," said the kid. "But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here," s…
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After having attended a conference in a small town, a famous psychiatrist chatted with the mayor. “Tell me Professor,†the mayor said. “How can one tell a person is insane?†“It’s very simple,†the Professor said. “One begins by asking any question that’s within the scopes of any normal person. For instance: “Captain Cook made three trips around the world, and met death on one of them. On which one of the voyages did Cook die?†“Couldn’t you ask me another question? I’m not very well conversed on explorations.†* * *
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An African chieftain flew to London for a visit and was met at the airport by newsmen. “Good morning, Chief,†one said. “Did you have a comfortable flight?†The Chief made a series of raucous noises – honk, oink, screech, whistle, z-z-z then added in perfect English, “Yes, very pleasant indeed.†“And how long do you plan to stay?†asked the reporter.†Again the noises – honk, oink, screech, whistle, z-z-z then added “about three weeks, I think.†“Tell me, Chief,†inquired the baffled reporter, “where did you learn to speak such flawless English?†Again the noises - honk, oink, screech, whistle, z-z-z then sai…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Highway 77, just south of Kingsville , Texas . One of the officers was using a hand-held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville . The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the mesquite tree tops on Highway 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise near this, its Naval Air home base location …
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An Indian once appeared before the Senate Committee on Indian Affairs to get aid for his drought-stricken tribe. The chairman objected on the grounds that the Indians were not sufficiently industrious, whereupon the Indian interrupted. “Senator, do you mean to say that I don’t have enough sense to manage my own business?†“No,†replied the Senator. “I was only thinking of the average member of your tribe.†“I am an average member of my tribe,†said the Indian. “No,†said the Senator. “Your tribe would not send an average man to represent them before the Congress of the United States. They would send the smartest man they had.…
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Saw this picture and laughed.
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Undersecretary of Labor tells this story about a Kentuckian who was walking along the road carrying a jug of moonshine he had acquired from the local moonshiner. Unfortunately, he met the sheriff, who immediately evidenced a keen interest in the jug. The mountain man insisted if was filled with water from a spring. But the sheriff insisted on sampling it. He took one swig and choked. “You call that water?†he said. “Just taste it.†The Kentuckian took a long pull at the jug. “Well, whaddya know, sheriff,†he said. “The good Lord’s gone and done it again.†* * * *
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Ware had got a job at last. After months of unemployment he was hired as an assistant to an antique dealer. The very first morning the boss came in and saw him standing idle in the shop. “Go up to the storeroom,†he ordered, “and get me a Greek urn for Mr. Wilson, and be quick about it.†Ware rushed upstairs and called to one of the packers, “Hi mate, what’s a Greek urn?†“I don’t know,†was the reply. “Depends on the job he’s got.†* * * *
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Two Indians, very close friends, were forced to separate for a few days while one went to the city on business. On his return, he rushed to his friends, teepee, rapped on the flap and asked the squaw to see his friend, Shortcake. She informed him he was dead. Stunned, he walked off, then returned to see if there was anything he could do “Isn’t there anything I can help you with?†he asked the squaw “No,†was the solemn reply. “Well, can I help you bury him?’ “No,†was the answer, and then she added, “Squaw bury Shortcake.†1957 * * * *
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I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category. This story involves the police department in the small hill country town of Fredericksburg, TX who reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Kerrville . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt,…
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him And one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might h…
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